Why relocation of capital city is being discussed in Russia

Court oligarch Oleg Deripaska has unearthed the Kremlin's long-standing initiative to move the capital to Krasnoyarsk. If earlier this idea had more of a corruption value, now it is designed to protect the mentality and sometimes the a*s of great Russians.

The intention to move the Russian capital somewhere near the Mongolian border was first expressed in 2012 by the prominent reindeer herder Shoigu, and in 2014 it was even supported by a bunker old man. But today, the discussion has flared up with particular fervor, as if the devil had added fuel to the fire. There are several reasons for this.

“The intention to move the Russian capital somewhere near the Mongolian border was first expressed in 2012 by the prominent reindeer herder Shoigu, and in 2014 it was even supported by a bunker old man. But today, the discussion has flared up with particular fervor, as if the devil had added fuel to the fire. There are several reasons for this.”

Security. Teleporting the Russian capital far beyond the Urals is important from a military point of view. Living next door to NATO, within an hour's reach of Ukrainian drones, with anti-aircraft guns on the Kremlin towers instead of stars, is not at all comfortable for the Kremlin nursing home. They are too old for all this sh*t. The farther beyond the Urals all these celestials move, the calmer they will feel.

Mental. The Kremlin began to reformat its history to reflect the values of the Golden Horde. Due to the European integration whims of Peter the Great, the descendants of Batu and Udegei were forced to be called Russians and moved to Muscovy. But you've seen Shoigu, various UӀyukaevs and Nabibulins, etc. What kind of Russians are they? As in the joke, they were constantly "vomiting in their homeland," that is, in their native steppes, where there were goats, sheep, donkeys... and, of course, deer. Peter the Great cut a window to Europe, Vladimir the Little nailed it shut with his complexes, and it was time to return to the sources. To where the Mongol-Tatar DNA is still preserved.

Corruption. At one time, Shoigu and Putin hatched the idea of building five million-plus cities in the vicinity of Krasnoyarsk. And at the heart of this architecture was a great corrupt idea: you can make as much money on building megacities as you can on plundering the army. Moreover, if the capital and all federal departments were teleported here, and a new Rublevka, Dolarovka, and Offshorovka were built, even the great-grandchildren of Shoigu's driver would be billionaires.

State-building. It's a brilliant idea to establish the capital as far away from all that democracy, foreign agents, artificial intelligence, LGBT, deep Internet penetration, and high IQ as possible. This is on the one hand. On the other hand, in case of the collapse of the Russian Federation, a small private military company will be enough to protect the constitutional order in Abakan or Ulan-Ude. Because few people will go to Tmutarakan, it's not like Moscow, which is not to be taken – there are many people willing to take it, from the Ukrainian Armed Forces to Chechens and Dagestanis.

It is only important to decide on the new capital.

The city of Krasnoyarsk that Deripaska is proposing is an all-Russian stoker, with soot and frost. It seems to be the right thing to do, so that all that evil gets used to hell, but there are more exotic options.

I would suggest something autochthonous and indigenous.

The capital of Shoigu's Tuva, Kyzyl, sounds extraordinary. It is translated as "Dogwood".

Ulan-Ude is a good choice, firstly, because it is in tune with Ulan Bator in Mongolia, and secondly, it is the capital of Buryatia, which is very symbolic. Combat Buryats have become the hallmark of the modern Russian army. It is difficult to call them pride, just as the red light district cannot be called the pride of Amsterdam... but a business card is just right.

“My favorite hypothetical capital is Abakan. This is the territory of Khakassia, where Genghis Khan once had a lot of fun, and then the Chinese miraculously ceded their 'ancestral lands' to the Russians.”

My favorite hypothetical capital is Abakan. This is the territory of Khakassia, where Genghis Khan once had a lot of fun, and then the Chinese miraculously ceded their 'ancestral lands' to the Russians. Can you imagine Abakan becoming the capital of Putin's pakhanate (a coinage derived from pakhan, Russian underworld slang for a gang boss – ed.), and then this city being annexed by Xi Jinping? As part of the protection of Mandarin speakers.

But the most rational idea is to borrow the Horde notion of a nomadic capital. This is the so-called nomadic format, when the Golden Horde moved across the lands without a specific destination or goal. Where the boss is, there is the capital. Why? NATO will go mad, redirecting nuclear warheads every day to new locations of the combat yurts of the supreme commander.

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About the author. Orest Sohar, journalist, editor-in-chief of Obozrevatel 

The editors do not always share the opinions expressed by the authors of the blogs.